The Authors Speak: Michael Spradlin

Have you ever picked up a Michael Spradlin book? If your answer to the query was "no", then you're truly doing yourself a disservice. Most of you may dismiss him as a YA and kids author, but I implore you to look deeper.


Most of you flipped through Harry Potter. And more than a fair share of the reading public went gaga for the "Twilight" series. Heads up, kids, those are just two of the series that are in the realm of Young Adult. I hope I didn't just give a reality check.

Look, there's not a thing in the world wrong with reading YA fiction. I myself read all of Neil Gaiman's stuff, for example - the adult fiction and the YA fiction. As was revealed a few weeks back, I'm a sucker for Dave Barry's and Ridley Pearson's Peter Pan series. The Artemis Fowl books by Eoin Colfer go into my system like a drug. And then there's so many others that eek their way into my to-be-read stack.

YA fiction is grand, plus it serves a nobler purpose: to get those text-minded, Internet savvy gamers to open a book and find enjoyment in the printed word. And, most of what's on the YA fiction will serve as a "gateway" to authors like Christopher Moore, Tom Robbins, and Chuck Palhniuk.

Basically, I think I'm saying don't knock it. Please.

Back to Michael Spradlin, though...

Michael Spradlin is author of the Youngest Templar series, which I adore. Perhaps it's the time period, or Robin Hood angle, or Spradlin's style. I'm not one-hundred-percent sure. Regardless I devour them and you should too.

He's also authored the Spy Goddess series, which I've got no familiarity with, save that it's geared for the female set. Talk about talent! He's got two series - one that appeals to teenage boys and one that appeals to teenage girls. That, fellow readers, is no easy feat, as the teenage set has so few common bonds amongst the genders.

The thing that raised Spradlin up a few of my stairs was the release of his holiday book. It had an introduction by Christopher Moore, so it was an automatic pre-order. Plus, Chris kept emailing samples of the book to entice further purchases. To date, this book and Lady Cottington's book of Pressed Fairies have been my preferred gift item; I've given nearly twenty of each. "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Zombies" was the first zombie book for the Christmas Choir. The classic holiday tunes were rewritten to match up to the undead set. And the result was gold.

It was such a hit that there will be another one upcoming!

I got the chance to chat with Michael a little bit about both his YA series, zombies, Comic Con, and his consistent mission to promote literacy (a passion we both share). Enjoy.

(At the time of this interview, Comic Con was in full swing)

Eric Mays: Thanks, Michael, for taking the time to answer a few questions. How was Comic Con? Did you snag any coveted Green Arrow loot?


Michael Spradlin: As usual, Comic Con was a hoot. I really enjoy going there every year. For the type of books I write and for what I enjoy reading, it’s the perfect blend of business and pleasure. Comics were very important to me as a kid. There is no question in my mind that they fostered my love of reading and greatly influenced me as a writer, especially in terms of action and dialogue. So Comic Con is like a homecoming in a way. As for the Emerald Archer, I did pick a couple of collections of the comics I was missing and I saw two Green Arrows in costume (complete with Boxing Glove arrow!) And the guys who did it, were really into it for they even grew Oliver Queen’s distinctive goatee.

EM: Speaking of Green Arrow (or really not, I’m just going to use it as a segue), you’ve got a thing for Robin Hood, yeah? It’s natural, considering your Youngest Templar series. In fact, I love your Robin Hood Wednesdays on your website. How did you really get into this piece of history?

MS: I’ve always loved history. In the Youngest Templar I’m writing about the Third Crusade and I so enjoyed this period. Reading The Adventures of Robin Hood and His Merry Men, Ivanhoe and Classics Illustrated (see…Comics!) really spoke to me. The period is such a rich tapestry of personalities and stories.

EM: Where are we headed with the Youngest Templar series?


MS: This fall will bring the publication of Orphan of Destiny, the third book. I promise this one will reveal all the secrets everyone wants to know. And I think we’ll see Tristan, Robard and Maryam growing from, essentially children, to Young Adults.


I’m often asked what the theme of The Youngest Templar series is, and I used to respond “I don’t know…” until a librarian told me they were novels about friendship. After I thought about that a while, I decided she might be right. I don’t start out consciously thinking about writing a book on a certain theme. But in Book Three I began to see a little of what the librarian was talking about. Our heroes will face more dangers, more challenges and make new enemies, but their bond will become unbreakable. They are never not there for each other. And I think that is the true essence of friendship. We all might have many friends, but who among them are our closest? Like brothers or sisters? The ones who stand with us no matter what? I think that is what happens to my three characters in book three.


The other question I’m frequently asked is will there be more books beyond these three. I hope there will be but it’s really not up to me.

EM: On quite the opposite end of the spectrum, you’ve got the Spy Goddess series. I’ll be honest, I’ve not read this series, but it does sound as if this caters much more to the females. Was that what prompted this series, you know, to have something for the boys and something for the girls?


MS: It wasn’t that. I can’t write a novel until I have a character to tell the story. In this case, the character was Rachel Buchanan. Yet the Spy Goddess books are loaded with action and suspense and a group of friends who come together during a tense moment and behave much like the characters in The Youngest Templar. I guess I do have themes in my work.

EM: I also love that you’re teaching history to very young readers. I just got “Daniel Boone’s Great Escape” for my nephew and he loved it. You’ve done the Pony Express, Boone, and the Texas Rangers. What’s the next nugget of history for kids? Or, will you take a page from the state of Texas (my home state) and just start re-writing history?

MS: Well I have some historical fiction on the way, but as for picture books, my next project is The Inch High Samurai. It’s a retelling of a Japanese folktale and will be illustrated by Ard Hoyt. It takes place during Medieval times, so even though it’s a fable it has a historical element to it. I’ve got some picture book projects I’m thinking of, but nothing sold beyond this one.

EM: And, on another tangent, you’ve branched into zombies. You really are quite diverse. “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Zombies” was a huge hit. How did this come about? Were there Christmas revelers who were really sore about the blatant omission of the undead in their festivities?


MS: Ha! You know, it’s funny that you asked me about Comic Con, because the idea for this book came to me during Comic Con two years ago. I was walking the show floor and seeing Zombie stuff everywhere I went. T-shirts, mugs, key chains even Zombie Teddy Bears. I said to myself ‘someone is eventually going to put Zombies and the holidays together and it might as well be me.’ I’ve gotten a lot of joyous emails from readers who have made the book a part of their Christmas tradition. I’m hoping for a Hallmark movie next.

EM: You’ve got a new zombie song book upcoming, yes?

MS: I do. It’s called Every Zombie Eats Somebody Sometime: A book of Zombie Love Songs. It features soon to be classics such as “You’ve Lost That Living Feeling,” “Can You Find My Thumb Tonight!” and “Chew Me Up, Buttercup” Jeff Weigel is doing the illustrations again and he’s really outdone himself.

EM: You’ve got zombie songs. S.G. Browne popularized zombie haiku in his book “Breathers”. What’s next for the undead? Any other zombie ventures that you’re plotting?


MS: There are a few things being discussed but not anything I can talk about at this point.

EM: One of the things I love about you, Michael, is your mission to promote reading in our youth. You admiration and dedication to working with teachers and librarians is to be commended. And commend I do. Kids aren’t reading as much. What has happened here? I know you’re fighting the fight, but isn’t it kind of scary how illiterate we’ve become?


MS: Well thank you very much for that. And you are right, it is scary. And getting kids to read is something I feel passionate about. I think one of the issues is giving kids what they want to read and promoting more pleasure reading. My mother never restricted me from reading anything whether it be comics, the Hardy Boys or Ivanhoe. She was just glad I was reading. I’m especially worried about boys. And part of it is our own fault. JK Rowling proved if you give kids something they are interested and invested in, they’ll read an 800 page novel.


It’s a societal problem. I don’t blame teachers because they’re being held to impossible standards and are forced to teach to achievement tests which means they’re making their students read what they have too, instead of what they want to. Yet, as a parent I understand we need to have some method of evaluating the progress of our children. I don’t claim to have the answers, but I try to remind kids in every school visit I make that reading is the key to the world. They have so many ways to spend their leisure time, that books have become a smaller and smaller segment of their lives.


And as I said, I worry about boys. I think it’s great so many boys are reading Youngest Templar, but what’s gratifying to me is I’m getting just as much email from girls about the books. Both groups have responded to it. And I know there are other authors saying the same thing. My dream would be to hold a “A Boys Reading Festival” somewhere with male authors where boys can see that writing and reading are worthy of their time. I don’t know where to start, but maybe someday it will happen. In the meantime, I try to do what I can.

EM: And, finally, the obligatory: What’s next for you?


MS: I always have a pretty full plate of projects. In addition to the aforementioned Zombie Love Songs, I also have another humor book called Pirate Haiku coming this fall. I recently sold my first adult novel. It’s sort of a Buffy, The Vampire Slayer meets Wild, Wild West. If I may say so, myself, it is twenty pounds of fun in a ten pound sack. Then in 2011 Penguin will release my next novel called The Raven’s Shadow. It’s set in Washington DC and features a teenage Abraham Lincoln, Edgar Allan Poe and Charles Darwin who become wrapped in a mystery that ultimately leads them to Count Dracula.

I'm telling you, Michael is one of the nicest guys writing today. His commitment to literacy - especially in teen boys - is remarkable. Plus, I can stand behind his books 100%. As always, readers, I do not recommend things I've not read. Please pick up his zombie book, the Youngest Templar, or, if you're into La Femme Nikita High School edition, Spy Princess.

You can keep up with Michael at his website: http://www.michaelspradlin.com/.

We'll be down the next few days as we head to Gettysburg, PA for Horrorfind. Next week, expect full coverage, photos, video, and so much more. Expect full updates from Anderson Prunty, Jordan Krall, Brian Keene, Joe Lansdale, and more.

Also, don't forget to enter to win your chance to score a LegumeMan Press catalog - that's all 6 books that they've published, and they're good'uns.

Until next time, keep reading.

CONTEST: How Aussie Are You?

I know there's chatter about an economic stimulus, but frankly I can't see it (worldwide, or other) if it doesn't impact something I love.  What do I love?  Well, I love books, and I'd wager that you do too!  And really, what's better than free books?  C'mon.  I'm giving away the entire LegumeMan library - 6 books I can stand behind 150%!

We put LegumeMan Books in the spotlight a little while back.  Now, we're going to put the whole continent in the limelight.  How well do you know Australia?  Well, the fine folks at LegumeMan have given me a catalogue to give away - yes, that includes Garrett Cook's "Archelon Ranch", Matt Revert's "A Million Versions of Right", and Jess Gulbranson's "10 A Boot Stomping...", and Jason Wuchenich's "Dinner Bell for the Dream Worms".  All books, the Authors Speak has read, loved and is ready to share. Do you want them?  You know you do, right?  Well, what are you waiting for?  Keep reading and figure out how!

HOW AUSSIE ARE YOU?

Unless you're just a brown-eyed mullet, you're probably aces when it comes to your literature.  I know you know your hippie-dippe feral writers.  But what about your Australian brethren?  We've a cool prize to award a special winner.  But you'll have to be a dunny rat to come close.  And don't even bother if you're one of those Taswegians!  Taswegians = disqualified.

The brilliant folks at Australian publishing house LegumeMan, have offered up a grand prize of their entire catalog to one lucky winner.  Having read these books, I'll tell you this: They're good.  You get "Archelon Ranch" by Garrett Cook, "A Million Versions of Right" by Matt Revert, and many more.  Since Australia is the land of rustic adventure, over-the-top animals, and fair suck of the sav, we're going to make you work for it.  We're sending you on walkabout...er, at least walkabout on the Internets.
Put the didgeridoos away and stop playing with your dongers, 'cause here are the rules:
RULES
1.) First, you must be a fan (now the infamous "like") on facebook.  If you don't already like us, do so by following the link: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Author-Speaks-Series/109500745753372. Yes, we're that low on self esteem these days.
2.) You must answer the questions below accurately and email them to me (ericm@witty.com) with the subject header: I'm Australian.  All responses with all six correct answers will be entered into the drawing.  If no emails contain all six correct answers, we'll drop it to five, and so on.
3.) All emailed entries must be received no later than 9/15/2010

 SCAVENGER HUNT:
We at "The Authors Speak" are all about promoting literacy.  But, how much do you know about Australian lit?  We test your knowledge here and now.  One lucky winner will win the entire LegumeMan catalogue.

1. Name the two-time Booker Prize-winning author of such classics as "Illywhacker" and "Oscar and Lucinda".
2. The prestigious Miles Franklin Literary Award is one of the highest honors an author can receive.  Established in 1954, what was the first year it was awarded?  And, to whom and for what book?
3. Author Terry Pratchett is not Australian.  However, in Discworld there is a mirror version of the "Lost Continent".  What is the Discworld name of this continent (hint: it's also the name of a beer in Australia)?
4. How many times has Thomas Keneally (author of "Schindler's List") won the Miles Franklin Literary Award?
5. Writer, director, producer, idiot savant Yahoo Serious did not come into this world named Yahoo.  What was his birth name?
6. The man behind Dame Edna - Barry Humphries - has had an established career.  His most recent memoir was entitled "My Life As __________".  Fill in the blank.

Good luck, and godspeed.

The Spotlight: Bust Down the Door & Eat All the Chickens

It's called a journal of absurd and surreal fiction, but it's so much more than that.  It's an orphanage to those stories others won't give a chance to.  It's an assembly of groundbreaking prose.  It's a figurehead publication for the bizarro works out there.  It's close to genius, really.

As I go through the days and chat with fellow authors, I tend to hear two things more often than not: 1.) I just don't have the time to read these days, and 2.) I would submit something, but everything is closed for submissions.  Here's an answer to both of those problems. 

Author Bradley Sands has taken reign over at "Bust Down the Door" and kept the literary journal alive.  If you're looking for short fiction, a bathroom reader, or just a sampling of some dynamite writing that you will not see anywhere else, this is the thing for you.  If you're longing to read something but have no time for that 500-600 page opus that Steve King just put out, this is your answer.  While most literary journals have gone the way of the dinos (replaced by annoying articles for the inept), there are a few that are cranking out good works.  This is one of those (along with the Magazine of Bizarro Fiction and the Journal of Experimental Fiction).  To find out more, visit them online at: http://www.absurdistjournal.com/

But wait, there's more:

Effective August 8, 2010, "Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens" is open for submissions.  So, if you've got that piece that you've been holding onto, now may be your time to shine.  Here are their guidelines (but, as always, you can find out more by visiting them online):

We are seeking stories of an absurdist and surrealist nature for our next print issue. They should be between 2000 and 5000 words. YOUR STORY WILL BE REJECTED IF IT DOES NOT MEET THIS REQUIREMENT (although being a couple of hundred words off is permissible).

The stories should not fit comfortably within any genre. We have peculiar tastes and recommend you read an issue before sending in your work (issue 7 is available as a free PDF here). DO NOT SEND MORE THAN ONE STORY AT A TIME. No previously published material. Simultaneous submissions are fine, but let us know the moment your story is accepted elsewhere. Use indents for paragraph breaks rather than line spaces. Underline all italicized words. Blank emails with file attachments will be deleted, so write a cover letter (its content and length are irrelevant). Include a bio and mailing address with your submission. We ask for First North American Serial Rights and the copyright reverts back to you upon publication. Payment is ten dollars and one contributor's copy. We reserve the right to make minor editorial changes.

We prefer fun, humorous stories where impossible things happen. It must be able to grab our attention from the very first line. And make every word count.

Our favorite authors include Steve Aylett, D. Harlan Wilson, Steve Erickson, and Mark Leyner.

What we are not looking for

No poetry.
We are unlikely to accept horror stories. But if you do send one, make sure it's unconventional. The stories of Thomas Ligotti would be a good example of the sort of horror that we enjoy.

No stories with overused concepts that are central to the plot - such as zombies, vampires, ghosts, demons, werewolves, space aliens, God(s), or any Dungeon and Dragons-type of characters.

No stories that would be a good fit for any existing genre magazine.

No dream narratives (regardless of whether it is "real" or fictional), although we encourage you to send stories that use dream logic.

No extreme horror/splatterpunk. Although there are no restrictions regarding content, we find wall-to-wall sex and violence extremely boring. But it's ok to use elements from this sub-genre.

No accounts of all the zany things that a character does after getting drunk and/or stoned.

No stories with endings that MAKE the story. In other words, when the story is mediocre up until the ending and the ending is so good that it enhances the quality of what has come before it. Also, no stories that are setups for jokes, with the ending being the punch line. We would prefer many different jokes throughout the story.

No stories that feature a protagonist who is a writer.

No passive protagonists. The protagonist must do something rather than have something done to them.

No stories that are mostly exposition. We prefer stories that are composed of scenes.

Response time is six weeks or less

Send submission as an attachment - either a Microsoft Word or Rich Text file. Email to bust_submissions@hotmail.com.

Email queries and questions to bradleysands@comcast.net.

We are also looking for cover art for the next issue. Please send submissions to bradleysands@comcast.net. Either send your submission as an attached jpg or send links to your art.

The Authors Speak: Bradley Sands

Bradley Sands is a very twisted soul.  I've said that about numerous people in the past, and I always do so in a light-hearted joking manner.  Actually, Bradley is a genius, but his writing may make you think of him as a twisted soul with a penchant for decadence.

There are a lot of hardworking writers doing the craft today.  Sands is no exception to this rule.  Besides scribing two wonderfully wicked books - "My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes" and "It Came From Below the Belt" - Bradley has about 4 in various processes right now.  He teaches.  He's the editor of the literary journal "Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens".  He's a pioneer of the bizarro movement.  And, he may be one of the funniest guys out there.

Genius like this needs to be probed, and that's just what I did.  I felt the urge to enter his absurd, Matrixesque mind and see what nuggets I could snag.  We find out a little about his preferences in porn, how ADD may affect reading, and why he just can't stop busting down the door and eating all the chickens.

Eric Mays: Bradley, thanks for taking a little time to answer some questions. You’re kind of a twisted perv, aren’t you? (see I went straight for the jugular…not all the questions are that direct).

Bradley Sands: Thanks for having me, Eric. But I’m going to have to disagree with you here. My taste in internet porn is very conventional.

EM: I had the privilege of reading both “My Heart Said No…” and “It Came From Below the Belt”. I know you’re really immersed in the bizarro genre, but I’m thinking that your fiction may have also created a new A-D-D genre. Thoughts?

BS: I don’t think so. My writing is more like an artificial recreation of having ADD than an actual representation for the disorder. I may change subjects at a rapid pace, but I spend an extremely long time to craft each sentence. And I think readers with ADD would have a lot of trouble following what is going on. My readers need to be active rather than passive to appreciate my books. So I suppose it’s the opposite off ADD writing, while at the same time, embracing randomness. If you want to get pretentious, I guess you can call it a simulacrum of the ADD experience. My intent is to have each sentence bring delight to the reader. If they are to choose any random sentence in the book and read it, they should experience enjoyment. No sentence should be dull and exist solely to advance the plot or build character. I’m not the first author to write this way. Mark Leyner and Steve Aylett came before me. I don’t know of any other authors who write this way and do it well. Although there are some great authors, such as D. Harlan Wilson, who are similar, but not as extreme. But I don’t write this way anymore. My process has changed. So this style only appears in the two books that you’ve mentioned, along with a novella in an upcoming collection, Disappointing Sophomoric Effort. And I may not be immune from the occasional dull sentence for the purpose of plot or character.

EM: Besides your books and stories, you also edit and maintain “Bust Down the Door and Eat all the Chickens”. How did this come about? I know on the website you call it a “place for stories that didn’t fit in”. Is this like a combine for the Oliver Twists of the story world?

BS: I met a strange man in a library that looked like a space station. He sold me a copy of the first issue of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens. I liked it. Later, he asked me if I wanted to take over as the editor. Since he had only published one issue, it wasn’t a very significant part of his life. And no, it is not a combine for the Oliver Twists of the story world. It’s a test tube for the sexual juices and eggs of the stories who never belonged to a clique in high school.

EM: I know your submission process is closed currently, but as the editor, are there any things you want to say to those who bombard you with a barrage of submissions. You’ve got the floor, Bradley!

BS: Stop being boring. If your story content is entertaining, make sure it’s the same for your prose. Make it playful and fun to read. Spend a lot of time on it. Focus on its musicality. If your prose already meets this criteria, but your content is boring, then we have the same problem. I get a lot of stories that have great content and are well written, but the prose is extremely mundane and it reads exactly the same way as many of the other stories which I receive. Usually, these kinds of stories come from authors who are published by genre fiction magazines. On the opposite side of the fence, I get a lot of stories with great, highly-stylized prose writing, but dull content. These usually come from authors who get published by literary fiction journals. Now, if you are able to combine great content with great writing, then I will be likely to publish you. Although don’t send me a first draft. Unless a story is absolutely fantastic, I’m way too lazy to put a lot of time into editing it.

EM: At last year’s BizarroCon, I had the privilege of witnessing you read AND witnessing your Ultimate Bizarro Showdown performance. After reading your work, watching you read, and seeing that performance there’s a point where my brain stops and says: “What the fuck did I just read/see/witness?” It’s weird. Part of me says it’s pure genius, Bradley. Part of me says it’s a sure sign of insanity. Which is it? Are you pure genius or pure insanity?

BS: I’m pure genius, because I have a gigantic ego when it comes to my writing (and low self esteem regarding every other aspect of my life). And the Ultimate Bizarro Showdown makes me feel more comfortable about “experimenting” with things that I have never done before performance-wise, which I would not do in another venue. So this year, I will try something different like I did last year. As far as reading my work in public, I do that fairly conventionally, but I try to put some energy behind it, unlike most authors whose monotone voices put me to sleep.

EM: Actually, I’ll take the genius route because you’re a teacher. Tell me a little about you teaching style. Are you molding writers into little bizarro authors?

BS: I’m more like a “student” teacher because I’m in grad school and have taught all of my classes on a volunteer basis, except for one, which I was paid $250 for. Regarding my style, I try to teach my students everything I have learned during my many years of writing, editing, and reading. I haven’t mastered the art of lecturing yet, so I use class discussion as an alternative. And follow the workshop model whenever possible, where the students take their peers’ work home, read it during the next week, and come back with their critiques and prepared to discuss each piece. I often do detailed line edits, which tend to look like war zones, so I’ll address my criticisms in class before giving my edits back to the students so they’ll know what to expect and not be absolutely horrified by the amount of marks I’ve made on their manuscripts. I feel like being a student in a writing class is a shortcut to becoming a good writer. Otherwise, it will take a bit longer. And I don’t think I’m molding my students into bizarro authors, but I’ve introduced them to the work of some of the literary scene’s predecessor’s and a few of the authors of the scene, including Samuel Beckett, Daniil Kharms, Russell Edson, Ray Fracalossy, D. Harlan Wilson, Sam Pink, and Steve Aylett. I’ve also taught the recent prose poetry of James Tate. My students tend to enjoy these authors, and as you can guess, I usually teach classes on reading and writing absurd and surreal lit.

EM: You’re a writer, a teacher, an editor-in-chief. You’re bound to have a take on the publishing industry right now. After all, Afterbirth Books, who is publishing one of your releases, just recently announced they were shutting down. Where are we headed?

BS: I don’t have enough time start a publisher right now, and I’m not sure if I will ever start one. My opinion may change, but I’m just not interested in doing it. Although perhaps I’ll work for a publish one day rather than start my own. I think being in charge of a literary journal is the most responsibility that I can handle. Plus I need the extra time for my own writing and so I can find practical ways to pay my rent.

EM: If you could “bust down the doors” would you really go for the chickens first?

BS: No. I don’t know what I would go for. I do not like eating live chickens.

EM: Wait, I just figured it out. You’re really a bear. I thought it was Garrett Cook, but it’s you isn’t it?

BS: After seeing Garrett Cook read his teddy bear detective story live, I find it impossible to visualize him in human form. I always imagine him as a teddy bear in a trench coat and a fedora.

EM: For those that have not read you, Bradley, tell our readers why they should pick up a Bradley Sands book. Go on.

BS: Because otherwise I will murder them? Just kidding. Jesus Christ, Eric Mays, this is a tough question. I’ll give it a try: Buy one of my books if you possess a sense of humor, one that appreciates things like Monty Python, various other modern (surreal/absurd) British comedy shows, Airplane and other movies like that, and the Marx Brothers. Buy it if you are bored with most modern lit and it is difficult for things to hold your attention. Buy it because you want to read something unlike anything you have ever read before (I know this is a claim you hear a lot, but in this case, it’s probably true). Lastly, buy it if you want to be surprised many times throughout the course of a single page.

EM: For those fans that you’ve got, I’m giving you a magic wand right now. Demand something of them and we’ll try to make it happen.

BS: Please pay off all of my college loans. And if you refuse to do this, telling your friends about my work is the next best thing.

EM: The obligatory questions: What’s next? Sounds like a lot.

BS: I have three books that are scheduled for upcoming publication:

Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy – A prose poetry and short-short story collection, being published by Lazy Fascist Press. They are new and I don’t know if I’m allowed to reveal any additional information about them at the moment, so I won’t.

Disappointing Sophomoric Effort – Intended to be my second book, but it didn’t work out that way. A novella collection featuring the same protagonist, who is a bookstore detective. Afterbirth Books is supposed to publish it.

TV Snorted My Brain – A novel which is a modern day retelling of the King Arthur story and the quest for the Holy Grail. King Arthur is a nerdy wannabe anarchist while Camelot and its surrounding area is TV Land. Evil Nerd Empire is supposed to publish it.

Also, I’m finished with the first draft of a novella called Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You and I’m about to start editing it. The book is about an actor who loses his sanity, thinks he’s the character he portrays in a popular action movie franchise, and goes on a rampage through Hollywood.

My thesis semester is coming up in the winter, and I’m planning to write a children’s book for it. It will occur in a world governed by nonsense, like Alice in Wonderland, The Wizard of Oz, and The Phantom Tollbooth. And unlike most children’s books, I will subvert the black and white dichotomy of good and evil (I don’t know if I phrased that correctly, but you know what I mean, I hope). I don’t want to say anything else about it right now.


Take care, Eric! It’s been great.

Bradley Sands is a tremendous talent.  He's one of those "little guys" who may not get as much exposure as your James Pattersons or John Grishams, but he's a helluva a lot more fun to read.  Trust me.

Next week, we'll have Michael Spradlin with us.  For those of you playing along at home, yes, Michael was going to be here this week.  However, we had to bump it to next week, so for any trauma we've caused, we're sorry.  Michael Spradlin is the author of the numerous YA books, but most notably the book of Zombie Christmas Carols! 

So, until then, keep reading.

Must Read of the Week: Packing for Mars

Yes, decry us to be Mary Roach fanboys.  Guilty as charged, my fellow readers.  However, can any one of you argue that the fandom is not warranted?  Like her books or not (I quite enjoyed "Bonk", but I know many who found it tiring), there's no arguing that Mary researches like no other, injects more humour than most science writers today, and is talented enough to connect everything into one narrative.  In the nonfiction world, oftentimes congested with stodgy voices, this is grand.

Here it is: Packing for Mars.  As we talked back in April, this book is all about the space program, but not necessarily your sneak peek at the golden years of space exploration.  Well, it is a peek at that, but not the elements that you may think of.  How do I explain this without going off on too much of a tangent?  It's like a fart joke, really.

Or rather, not really.

What I mean to say is this: Mary Roach tackles the elements that all of us have thought about, but suppressed the urge to say.  In reference to his infamous "round the campfire farting scene" in "Blazing Saddles", Mel Brooks simply states: "In every Western you've seen you always seen cowboys eating beans around a campfire, but never once do you hear them break wind."  It's sort of the same thing here.  How do you use the bathroom in space?  Where does the methane go when you're trapped in a space vehicle with little oxygen?  How do you remain in the realm of sanity after spending two years in an aluminum tube?  How can you work with your fellow astronauts when they've not showered in days?  Are people genetically predisposed to be astronauts?  All of these and many more questions (questions you may have always wanted to ask, but never had the cojones to) are answered here in great detail.  And, like always, in some areas, after reading a section you realize that ignorance just may be bliss.

This is vintage Mary, to be sure.  The humor is more rapid-fire here than it was in "Bonk" or "Spook".  And, guess what?  We have a return to corpses - the original crash test dummy for NASA.

If any of this has still not intrigued you enough to, at the very least, visit the library, then I'll say two words: fecal popcorning.  That's another area that's discussed.

"Stiff" remains by absolute favorite Mary Roach book, perhaps even my favorite nonfiction book.  While I love both "Spook" and "Bonk", "Packing for Mars" has just crept into a neck-and-neck race with Stiff.  I've never had much of an interest in NASA.  Call me weird.  This book has just ignited the interest in revisiting "The Right Stuff", "Lost Moon", et al, and subjecting the knowledge I just gained into those narratives.  It would be hilarious (only lacking a laughtrack).

If you've read Mary Roach, I'm not going to sell you on this one.  If you've never read Mary Roach, by all means start with this book and work your way backwards (oh to read "Stiff" again for the first time).  And if you order now, you save $10!

The Authors Speak: Steve Alten

Steve Alten is a name that’s probably come across the radar if you’ve been into a bookstore in the last ten years or so. Back in 1997, I remember working on Authors Speak stuff and continually hearing about this “Jurassic Shark” book. Not many people could remember the name or the author, but everyone was talking up “Jurassic Shark”.

The book, as we know now, was “Meg” and the author was Steve Alten. And what a thrill ride “Meg” was! From the opening scene, where the prehistoric shark rises from the sea to snag a T-Rex, to the closing…this book was “Jaws”, if Peter Benchly had injected steroids and crank into the work. It rarely let up. And it introduced us to (and may in fact have started the craze) the Megalodon.

Of course Steve has shifted his focus to several other areas as well – the Mayan calendars and other doomsday scenarios – but I think there’s still a fondness for the megs. Or at least there should be. So far the series has four entries and each seemingly gets better and takes the stakes further. You’d think after the second or third, the adventures of the Jonas Taylor would start to feel a little watered down and redundant. In Hollywood perhaps this would be the case. In Alten’s world, he does well to showcase the fear of a 70 foot prehistoric shark as well as the fear of the economic climate. Over the first three of the Meg books, the Taylor story arc is pretty complete (as is Tanaka’s).

When I got the go ahead to ask a few questions, first and foremost I wanted to know how Alten keeps his books from dipping into cheese and schlock. Let’s face it, it’s a fair question since the SyFy channel has nearly become the “Mega-Shark” channel. We talk prehistoric sharks, his latest book “Grim Reaper”, his “Adopt-an-Author” program, and I ask if it’s okay to dub him the “Michael Bay” of literature.

Eric Mays: Steve, thanks for taking the time to answer a few questions today. I appreciate it. To start off, have you ever been called the “Michael Bay of Literature”? If not, can I call you that? I don’t mean it as an insult. In fact, that’s how your books read – bigger, louder, badder – like an action-packed movie.


Steve Alten: You are the first. Sure, you can call me that, if you call him the “Steve Alten of Cinema”. (That’s probably insulting.)

EM: There’s no sense in sugar-coating it, Megalodons kind of put you on the map and seems to still be your bread-and-butter, go-to story arc. Any chance of the Taylors and Meg slowing down?


SA: “Meg: Hell’s Aquarium” was intended to be the last, but I had so much fun writing it and exploring new characters (Megs included) I decided there will be one more novel. I’ll time the release of “Meg: Night Stalkers” with a movie (God willing).

EM: It’s easy to see why “Megs” are so fascinating. I worked for the National Aquarium in Baltimore on their Shark Quest exhibit and was instantly drawn in. But there are other fantastical aquatic giants. Why Megs?


SA: Megalodon was a 70-foot Great White – it was the most ferocious animal ever to have existed on the planet. Period. ‘Nuff said.

EM: Peter Benchly once said he felt bad for the environmental impact of “Jaws”. In fact, he spent his latter years as a vehement shark conservationist. Any guilt of striking fear of venturing into the ocean? And, what kinds of conservation efforts do you enjoy?


SA: As I tell people, when the Meg movie is made, I give you my word not one Megalodon will suffer harm as a result of my work. Actually, I believe strongly in protecting sharks and our oceans and I try to build those themes into the storylines. I also discuss it with students in the schools I visit.

EM: I’m not sure if you 100% believe in the existence of an actual Megalodon in these days, but if you do, could you send one to tackle BP?


SA: I was thinking of having a Meg eat a BP exec and Sarah Palin and her “Drill, baby, drill” crowd, but that would be cruelty to animals.

EM: Have you seen “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus”? Pretty funny stuff. Are you getting any of the SyFy Channel’s Meg love?


SA: I saw it. I think you really have to want to make something that bad on purpose. And casting Debbie Gibson? She probably took the role in exchange for her parking validation. Had I written the script the Meg would have eaten her while she was singing “You Light Up My Life”. Burp.

EM: Out of the fish that have not faced extinction, the Goblin shark is a favorite of mine. Any particular faves?


SA: Great Whites have always been my favorites, though I have zero desire to cage dive.

EM: At one point in time, tons of names were attached to the “Meg” adaptation. Wasn’t the latest Jan de Bont? Where is a “Megalodon” movie at this point (besides SyFy)?


SA: First, never confuse anything on SyFy with my franchise. A lot of schlock producers tried to cash in on my success, all are cheap and dumb. One film even credited me, which I had to threaten to sue to remove my name. As for the real Meg movie, we have funding ($150 million), we have an amazing script, and we are looking for the right A-list director. This is no reflection on Jan de Bont, who I think is amazing. But, studios and investors want the latest “hot” director.

EM: Okay, enough with the Megs, Steve. Sorry. Let’s focus on something a little more upbeat. You say the world will end in 2012. That’s two years to get stuff in order.


SA: It was the Mayans, not me. I only write about it.

EM: The Mayan Calendar has always been a fascinating thing. I agree that there might be something that happens in 2012, but I think ultimately it will be more like Y2K. As a writer you have to create fascinating scenarios. But in reality, what do you think we can expect (on a scale of apocalypse to status quo)?

SA: I think 2012 is a fork in the road for humanity. However, having just penned “Phobos”, part 3 of the series, I have very serious concerns over an extremely real threat hanging over out heads that could literally wipeout the planet. Seriously. And I am in communication with physicists about it.

EM: Besides the Domain trilogy and the Meg novels, you’ve got a few stand alones. I’ve sadly not read “The Shell Game”, but read both “The Loch” and “Goliath”. Goliath seems to be a fan favorite. Will we ever see the submarine again? Surely you can come up with some scenario that warrants a return.


SA: I have a sequel in mind for both “Goliath” and “The Loch”. Right now, I am letting the film side dictate the next book (after Phobos).

EM: And now you’ve got “Grim Reaper: End of Days” upcoming. Tell me about this one. The art on the website for it looks very, very good, by the way.


SA: “GRIM REAPER: END OF DAYS”, set to release October 2010, was inspired by Dante’s “Divine Comedy”, one of the most revered works in literature. Divided into three distinct parts (Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven) the poem describes Dante’s journey through Hell, depicted as nine circles of suffering. GRIM REAPER takes us on a classic hero’s journey of good versus evil, transformation and redemption. The modern day story set in Manhattan, New York, draws frightening parallels between the lack of morality that corrupted Europe preceding the Black Death (France, 1347) and the present day greed, deception, and cruelty that has mired our own society in economic collapse, two endless wars and our own self-destruction. The monumental task of weaving these concepts into a modern day story that meticulously parallels “Inferno” took me two full years to complete.


The planned trilogy begins with “GRIM REAPER: END OF DAYS” in which microbiologist Mary Klipot develops a bio-defense weapon for the Defense Department called “Scythe,” a modern-day version of the Black Plague which “God” commands her to release in Manhattan.


In Manhattan’s VA hospital, Iraqi war veteran Patrick “Shep” Shepherd is recovering from an explosion that took his arm and the memories of his estranged wife and daughter, whom he has not seen in eleven years since the war began. Selected by unscrupulous politicians looking to use him as the poster boy for the country’s war efforts, Shepherd is immediately fast tracked with a private room, a prosthetic arm, and desperately needed psychological guidance by Virgil Shechinah, an elder man whose stabbing analysis of Shep’s woes strike deep into his tortured soul. Meanwhile two floors down, a plague-ridden Mary Klipot gives birth to her “Christ child,” and in her delirium instructs Shep’s physician where to find the Scythe antidote. When Shep overhears a telephone conversation by the Secretary of Defense talking about the virus that has hit the streets of Manhattan, he breaks free with the antidote, escaping armed troops, piloting a Medi-vac chopper in an attempt to deliver the cure to his wife and daughter, now living in Battery Park. But Manhattan has been isolated by the military and Shep’s chopper is shot down over Inwood Hill’s forest. Like Dante, our hero awakens in a dark, strange wood, aided by his new psychiatrist, Virgil. On his harrowing journey through the plague-ridden streets of New York City, Shep must descend into his own Nine Circles of Hell in order to reunite with his family, cleanse his soul, and save humanity from the Angel of Death – the Grim Reaper stalking him throughout Manhattan – the military intent on “sterilizing” the Big Apple at dawn.

EM: Okay, Steve, I’ve got a confession. You’re a hero, of sorts, in my world. I find your Adopt-An-Author program to be one of the best literacy promotion programs out there. Just about every author I’ve interviewed has had to endure my ranting on literacy in America. How and why did this come about?


SA: The program was actually started by students and teachers. After “Meg” came out, I became inundated with email from high school students who said they hated reading…until they read Meg. Then teachers began emailing me, telling me they were using “Meg” in class with amazing results. Then I learned that “Meg” had been named the #1 book for reluctant teen readers by the Young Adult Library Services Association. Realizing something important was happening, I created the non-profit program: Adopt-An-Author. This was an attempt to pool curriculum materials and provide support to teachers and librarians. Ten years later we have over 10,000 registered teachers. All receive posters, free tests, quizzes, projects, plus students who email me, receive personal replies and I visit and call into classrooms throughout the school year. Oh yeah…everything is free.

EM: What authors are a part of the program? And, how can other authors get involved (or is this like the Skulls)?

SA: Besides myself, we have about six to eight other authors participating. We only add books that we know students will want to read on their own, while avoiding books that really don’t need the program (like “Twilight”).

EM: With the literacy crisis, do you feel the publishing industry is collapsing?


SA: Not really. I think the poor economy simply lowers the tide for all boats.

EM: I’ve got one last Meg question: Who wins? Mega Shark or Giant Octopus? Tiffany or Debbie Gibson (since they’ve opted to star in these schlock fests)?


SA: No squid could stop a Meg. As for Debbie Gibson…God bless her, maybe schlock will do for them what the grill did for George Forman.

EM: Now the obligatory: what’s next on tap?


SA: “Grim Reaper” is the big release on 10-10-10. Then “Phobos” perhaps Summer 2011. I am excited about both stories, definitely my best work to date.

I also invite the public to contact me at Meg82159@aol.com or visit my website at http://www.stevealten.com/. Teachers can register for the Adopt-An-Author program at http://www.adoptanauthor.com/.

If you’re looking for the next Pulitzer Winner, I’ll advise you to steer away. If you’re looking for a book that captivates your attention and holds it until the bitter end (and possesses higher quality than most books on the current Bestsellers lists) you should definitely check out Steve Alten. Within each of his books, the reader is immersed in the action, but gains massive knowledge along the way. The research is pretty solid; Steve knows his stuff and presents it in a casual manner, as opposed to beating you over the head with it.  Also, there's a pretty cool contest on the website for "Grim Reaper".  Visit http://www.stevealten.com/ for more information.

I’m going to keep my fingers crossed that there will, indeed, be a Meg movie. Call me a nut, but I get giddy over stuff like “Deep Blue Sea” and “Jaws”. Now splice that with Jurassic Park and it’s a concept that’s begging for a summer release. Until that day comes, though, I’ll keep you posted on his release – Grim Reaper – and all other things Steve Alten. No worries.

Next week we’ve got a frenzied look at all kinds of things. Bizarro author Bradley Sands will be joining us. Bradley is the editor of “Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens” as well as author of the two books: “It Came From Below the Belt” and “My Heart Said No, but the Camera Crew Said Yes”. We’ll chat bizarro, spotlight some of Sands’ comedic works.

We’ve also got author Michael Spradlin with us. Besides Michael’s YA fiction, Michael released a book of zombie Christmas Carols this past year. If you didn’t catch it, you truly missed out.

And, we’ll have a new Must Read.

Until then, keep reading.

The Spotlight: Horrorfind Weekend

Conventions are the way to go about making connections with your fans.  And there are many, smaller "little-conventions-that-could" that are gearing up for the big time.  Take Horrorfind, for instance.  The first year was 2001, a month before 9/11, and the biggest draw was the appearance of Bruce Campbell.  Sure, there were authors, and celebrities galore.  Amongst the authors, the best-known name was Doug Clegg, who had yet to put out some of his best work.  The celebrities were a who's-who of B-movie actors and make-up guys that every fanboy would know but the rest of the world wouldn't.  Think everything from Reggie Banister to Tom Savini.

Flash forward to 2010 and the 11th Annual Horrorfind Weekend, now in Gettysburg, PA.  It's a totally different game.  George Romero, Bill Mosely, Bruce Campbell, Ted Raimi, Gary Busey, Jake Busey, Corbin Bernsen, and Dee Wallace, as well as all those other B-movie actors and characters that fanboys know and love.  Authors: Brian Keene, Jack Ketchum, Anderson Prunty, Jordan Krall, Joe Lansdale, and Gord Rollo, among many other greats.  And, the events?  Are you kidding me. 

Needless to say, Horrorfind has gotten very, very large.

My experiences with the convention have varied over the years.  I was one of the ones who helped navigate and layout the first one in 2001.  I stayed away from the convention for the next few years, not returning until 2005, when it was relocated to Hunt Valley, MD.  And this will be my first appearance since that move.  So, I'm destined to appear at Horrorfind every 5 years, it seems.

The first one was amazing.  Smaller scaled, but still not heavy on the cheese, the setting was intimate for fans.  Bruce Campbell, always popular, had not started his run on "Burn Notice" (still years away from that), and was definitely much more accessible.  I remember fringe writers - J.F. Gonzales, Tom Piccarelli, Mark McLaughlin - all reading.  Nobody knew who they were at the time, but there they were and you hoped they'd become names to remember.

Flash forward to 2005.  Bruce had released his second book and was gearing up for Burn Notice.  J.F. Gonzales, Mark McLaughlin, and Tom Piccarelli were all real names in horror.  Carlton Mellick 3 and the Eraserhead team infiltrated the convention.  The fanbase had grown to nearly five times what it initially was.  And yet, it still felt like home.  Count Gore still roamed the hallways (though this time around he was so busy we were not able to exchange pleasantries), the fans were still ravenous, and the vibe was still there.  (Oh, and Darian Caine was still peddling crap porn)

Now we come upon Horrorfind 2010 in Gettysburg.  I'm excited - not just because I'm reading there and signing.  Gettysburg is one of my favorite cities.  Horrorfind is one of my favorite conventions.  And, it feels that they're trying to "bring it home" a little.  Some of the original brains behind #1, are back to perfect the roster, the offerings, the celebrities, and the experience.  Kudos!

Another reason to go: Jordan Krall, Anderson Prunty, and I will be reading 4:30pm on Saturday.  If you're around you should stop by and say hello.

All in all, it's worth the $45 attendance fee.  It's an experience you should have at least once, much like BizarroCon, ComicCon, and Book Expo.  It's a great study in people watching, as well.  And if none of that speaks to you, there's always Darian Caine.

Must-Pre-Order of the Week: S.G. Browne's "Fated"

Love is not a choice, it's a disaster.  That's what the cover reads, and it's true.  This is not your conventional love story.  In fact, it's your very atypical love story...you know, one of those boy-meets-girl, boy's-life-is-ruined-by-interactions-with-girl-and-gets-some-serious-revelations-which-in-retrospect-make-the-whole-thing-kind-of-icky.  I need to stop there or I'll reveal too much.

I had the privilege to sneak a peek at SG. Browne's newest book.  Granted, I'd pre-ordered this thing, because "Breathers" (one of the best released books of last year) needed a shelf buddy on the ole bookcase.  I'll simply say this: "Fated" is a tour de force that I cannot wait to re-read.  I'd not be surprised if I revisit it numerous ties over.  It's kind of crept into that eschelon of books.

"Breathers", Browne's first work, was something I devoured.  After all, what's not to like in a zomcom, especially if it's well done?  One of the strengths of Browne's zombie tale was the ability to humanize a walking, talking corpse (well, not talking so much, but writing).  While doing this, Browne gave us a glimpse of his style.  It was a welcome blend of the whimsy of Christopher Moore and the dark, sarcastic, nihilistic satire of Chuck Palahniuk's best works.  Obviously S.G. Browne maintains an admiration for both authors.  And, yes, there were a ton of "first novels" that had this "style" going on.  Many of those "first novels" were great, as well, but the sophmoric efforts waned greatly.

The main problem with "Breathers" is the destination.  It's a great premise, a helluva a concept that Browne sustains longer than I would have thought possible.  But, at it's core it's still a concept piece.  You have to have a resolution and when you're dealing with the shambling undead the options are a little limited.  I felt this was the major flaw with "Shaun of the Dead" - the movies all fun and games, save for a ten minute stretch towards the end.  It's what I call a woo-sucker.

That aside, "Breathers", in my book, is still a topnotch feat.  It succeeded on so many levels and struck such a chord that I've bought it as a gift item for many a person.  Of course I was looking forward to the next one.

I mentioned above the sophmoric slump.  Will Clarke hit a homerun with "Lord Vishnu's Love Handles" and then struck out with "The Worthy".  And where is he now?  There are countless tales like this.  Would S.G. Browne's second effort be the same way?  I have to admit, I was hoping for something in the comedic macabre genre.  More zombies or a cult of vegetarian vampires, perhaps, if for no other reason than the alliteration.  When I heard his next book was about Fate and Destiny and other immortals, I cringed. 

I should never listen to my subconscious.  If "Breathers" wasgreat, then "Fated" is Browne's masterpiece thus far, and it's hard to see where he's heading next.  When you consistently out-do your previous efforts it's hard to escalate. 

In "Fated", Browne gives us a world where immortals, deadly sins, et al, roam among us and influence us down certain paths.  We've got Lady Luck, the 7 Deadly Sins, Lust, Virtue, and even Death is here (though, he prefers to go by "Dennis", which I'm not sure is an intentional Monty Python joke or not, but I loved it).  Of course, our protagonist, Fabio, has the crap job of the millenium.  See, Fabio's Fate, which means he can do nothing but sit back and watch his portion of the population (those that aren't on the path of Destiny) just haplessly go through their lives and think back on a happier time before European expansion to the "New World".  Most of the time, Fate observes his people from the countless shopping malls across the world.  Sipping on an Orange Julius he just watches the drug abusers, the pedophiles, and the malcontents make mistake after mistake.  Fate is aware that his existence lacks purpose, especially when Destiny reminds him how illustrious her people are.

Again, Browne presents a great concept here, but takes it one step further.  Fabio falls for the, literal, girl next door.  And when that happens all bets are off.  The first rule of being an immortal is not to get invovled, for obvious reasons.  But get involved he does, and once that starts there's really no stopping.  All of a sudden Fabio feels the urge to push people towards their proper fates, subtle tweaks, as it were.  To say any more would really be unfairly exposing some of the books secrets and surprises, so I'll stop there.

If you liked Browne's style and voice in "Breathers", you'll love "Fated".  His humor is cranked to the max here, courtesy of some excellent social commentary.  Also, Browne has fun with all the supporting players, twisting the perception of the Deadlies and other immortal players.  For example, Gluttony is lactose intolerant, while Sloth is a narcoleptic.  God's a meglomaniac and Destiny is a nympho.  Each of these immortals has been imbued with a certain characteristic, and it's those little things that work so marvelously.  And it's an ongoing joke that never grows old, despite violating my rule of three.

Browne has also perfected his storytelling prowess.  "Breathers" never felt like a first novel.  In comparison to "Fated", though, it's easy to see that.  Here, Browne's pacing is better, the story is structured better, and everything fires the way you'd expect it to.  In most books I can find flaws and say, "Hey, it was grand, but you'd better watch out, the dialogue is awful".  This one, on first inspection, had none.  That's the very reason I'm looking forward to revisiting it again. 

I implore you to place this in your Amazon cart.  It's not released until November 2nd, but if you're looking for some of the best in Fall 2010 books, this should be on every single list.  Hands down.

The Gauntlet Has Been Thrown

The intent of the Authors Speak was never to issue challenges, but I feel an exception must be made.  The intent was always to promote literacy and reading and introduce readers to new authors.  Sure, we provide guides to libraries and book clubs, but introducing readers to authors like Mark McLaughlin and Jason Wuchenich (and tons of other "newbies" like David Barbee, Kevin Shamel, Jess Gulbranson, and newer publishing houses like LegumeMan) is an honor and a joy.  Still, there comes a time when the followers (on facebook and here) spot a trend.

At present I've received an email or message from Mark and Jason as well as four fans that had no familiarity with either of them.  They seemed to spot that there was a common bond in referencing De Sade in both interviews.  Since both authors are sick puppies with twisted tales, color me not surprised.  This was not intentional, but perhaps I should have included a DNA test to confirm that the two were not relatives.

In any case, one fan said these two authors "seem a natural fit for a collaboration".  Okay, boys, there's the challenge.  One person (and I'm sure there are others) says they'll procure a book with the byline: Mark McLaughlin and Jason Wuchenich.  While I would rather it be me collaborating with one of you, my name, sadly, did not come up.

So what do you say?  How far into the future will we have to travel to see the inevitable collaboration between the authors I dub "The Funny" and "The Stinky"?

Balls in your court.

The Authors Speak: Jason Wuchenich

If you’re a reader of this website, you’ve probably heard the term “bizarro” several times over. It’s no mistake (and no I’m not referring to a Superman villain). The bizarro genre is encroaching on common day fiction. It’s happening, and soon, I believe, there will be a section dedicated to it at the local bookstores.


But what the heck is it? Well, in the terms of founding authors and publishers, it’s the genre of the weird, the equivalent of the cult section at the video store. Okay. But what does that mean? It means you’re reading the literary equivalent of a trip. Think of your wildest dreams – your weirdest dreams – and put those onto paper. Got it? If your answer was yes then take it up a level. Imagine the minds producing this stuff.

A few months back I was sent a copy of Jason Wuchenich’s book “Dinner Bell for the Dream Worms”. What the hell is this, I thought. Still I sat back and read. If you remember my review, it was favorable. The book consisted of two novellas – “Stinky Incubus” and “Skank Clusters”. At the time, I love “Skank Clusters”. It was a satiristic look at where we may be headed. Well, maybe I’m digging too deep. But I found it entertaining as hell.

“Stinky Incubus”…not so much.

It wasn’t that I hated the piece, I just couldn’t get past the copious usage of fecal matter. Still, like Two Girls, One Cup, my morbid curiosity took over and I revisited it. I found the merit the second time around, but still couldn’t get past the stomach-churning. What remained, though, more prominently, was the need to talk to this subversive author.

Jason Wuchenich, known as Wookie, is, I gathered, a very disturbed individual. Or maybe it was all an act. I took some time to ask the hard questions, like: Poop versus Shit?

Eric Mays: Jason, thanks for answering a few questions for us. So, you're known as "Wookie"? Why not Han, Lando, or R2? I mean of all the characters in the Star Wars universe, Wookies are more likely to have fleas.


Jason Wuchenich: Well, I’m not as good looking as Han, I’m a white guy so unfortunately that rules out Lando, and R2 can dance better than me. “Wookie” stuck since high school. I’m tall, threw bad temper tantrums and my last name is ‘Wuchenich’ – ‘Wookie’ is easier on the tounge. It suits me. But yea, the fleas love me.

EM: Let's chat a little about "Dinner Bell for Dream Worms". You've got two distinct stories here: one that is, well, potty humor and one that is a little more high-brow. Such distinction. Is this how split your personality is?


JW: Sure! We all have a split to a certain extent. Maybe my split is wider than others. I’m an educated fellow with a ton of useless knowledge about things that no one else could give a damn about, but I also enjoy a good ol’ fashioned, ripe-nasty fart joke. Since this was my first book, I wanted to push the envelope a bit and see what I could get away with and still keep my friends! That’s what “Stinky” was about – it’s an endurance test, really. I wanted to make people’s stomach churn but also have such absurd humor in it, that they question why the hell their laughing so hard and enjoying something so foul. Nick Cato actually thinks it might win the next World Horror Convention "gross-out" contest.


With “Skank” I wanted it to act as a palate cleanser. More humor, more likeable characters. I think that’s a proper way to end proper mindfuck – on an upnote in D flat (the most depressing musical scale there is)

EM: And it's released through LegumeMan Press, right? How's that relationship been? Sounds like this is a solid up and coming press.


JW: LegumeMan Books are awesome! In fact Revert (Matthew, owner and author) owes me a snuggle. They’re Aussies with attitudes, man! They’re blowing up right now with a new book from Steven Rage coming out and one from Brett Mcbean following shortly if I’m not mistaken. Then you got Revert’s second book coming out, Robert’s (Hamilton) second is in the works also, as well as mine. Revert’s also doing a story for the new Bizarro Starter Kit via Eraserhead Press. I really think they’ll be a force to be reckoned with so I’m stoked I got involved with them early on. I’m kind of their U.S connection (smiles). I can’t say enough great things about them. The books they are putting out are all so solid.

EM: It's no surprise that I loved "Skank Clusters". Seems to me that you've stumbled on something. Couldn't actual skank clusters solve the economic crisis?


JW: Skank Clusters certainly couldn’t crud it up worse! I think a situation like that exactly what we need, to be honest with you. Chaos eventually leads to a new and better beginning – that’s just how the universe works.

EM: Seemed to me you may have been channeling a little when writing it. What Cluster of Skanks would you most like to see in your next book?


JW: No channeling – you have to be willing to channel. There was some automatic writing involved, however. GG Allin and de Sade were thumb wrestling to see who could get me to write the most on their behalf. But alas, no clusters of Skanks in the next book. You’ll get to know how the Horsemen of the Apocalypse take care of business, though.

EM: Cluster of Skanks sounds like a Sorority gone awry. What the hell were you thinking?

JW: You call that thinking?! (laughs) It came as a little dream snippet. I was eating these little pen cap sized bitches and they would squirm all over the place in my fingers and scamper away and I remember being so irritated they were getting away from me. That’s when I woke up pissed off. Anyhow, the seed was planted. Freud, have a field day with that one.

EM: Now the other story in the book - Stinky Incubus - is...special. You've established yourself as a bit of an expert of fecal matter. Answer the age old question: which is funnier? Shit or poop?

JW: (loud laughter and clapping) I really had no immediate intention of taking it as far as I did, but when you can only materialize with the aid ingesting feces, you just can’t NOT overdo it! It’s like writing a story about someone in a wheelchair but omitting all the obstacles they would have to overcome by not being able to use their legs! It makes sense to me, anyhow. I’m not personally into coprophagia – I just think it’s hilarious!

JW: Poop is way funnier than shit. I think it’s because ‘poop’ is more innocent than ‘shit’ – and I think palindromes are rather funny in general.

EM: Poop or poo?

JW: It’s poop again!

EM: I was thinking about it, Jason. Poo is kind of like the internal biological zombie. Bear with me. It's inevitable that we'll all die, and zombies came about out of a fear of death. Everybody poops (though people hate it...like death). Perhaps poop should have its own genre.

JW: Eric my man, I think you just might be onto something! Zombies shamble around in their various stages of decomposition. Think of how many poops you have taken that differ in size, shape and consistency. Now think of KILLER poops…I’m putting on the breaks now.

EM: Okie dokie, this interview has been about nothing more than poop and skanks. Let's switch gears. John Waters is an inspiration, huh? Never would have guessed. I understand he's got a copy of the book.

JW: I taste your sarcasm. And yes, he has it. I went to his spoken word and book signing and gave him a signed copy. We swapped. He’s a very busy guy but also very loyal and sincere to his fans. I have no doubt I’ll get a response in a few months. Oh, he also has another LegumeMan book – Matthew Revert’s “A Million Versions of Right.”

EM: In lieu of going off on another lewd tangent, I'll simply ask: What's next for you?

JW: More therapy (laughs). I’m working on my second book, a novel this time, tentatively called “From the Decay Fence” which will be released through LegumeMan Books as well. It should be ready for consumption by the year’s end or very early 2011. It’s a completely different Wookie. Wait, no it’s not. Yes it is. Damn it…see…it’s GG and de Sade again…listen you two, not now, okay…

That's it for this week, kids.  If you're looking for an interesting read, sneak a peek at Jason's book.  As mentioned, I'm a huge fan of "Skank Clusters" (and, yes, they sound like a snack you heat whil hungover).
 
Next week's pretty exciting, as well.  We'll be joined by the "Master of the Meg", Steve Alten.  I personally call him the Michael Bay of literature for his over the top "special effects", shattering action, and visceral gore.  Steve's got the coup on the Megladon genre right now, and he's tackling the Mayan calendar, doomsday scenarios, and...the man makes me fearful to leave the friggin' house. 
 
We'll also have your 'Must Pre-Order of the Week".  It may be the best book I've read all year.
 
And coming soon, we'll chat with zombie-master David Wellington, Zombie Carol Master Michael Spradlin, Florida hijinks master Tim Dorsey, Bizarro Master Bradley Sands, and so many more.
 
Until then, keep reading.

The Authors Speak: Mark McLaughlin

I met Mark McLaughlin at the very first Horrorfind conference – August 2001, BWI Marriott. It was a very cool, very synergistic time. And, one of the highlights that came from it was getting a chance to be introduced to Mr. McLaughlin. This is not the stodgy man that comes to mind when I hear the word McLaughlin. This is a virtuoso writer, who may be the best at writing comedic horror.

At the time, the selections he was reading were from ZomBee Movie. It’s out of print now, which is just a damn shame. But, the books by Mark still abound. (Raising Demons for Fun and Profit made the cut as one of my ten favorites of 2009) And the styles Mark writes in are as unique as the man behind the legend. He writes poetry (like his poetic biography of each of the organs that made up Frankenstein’s Monster…no joke). He writes novels and novellas (like the aforementioned “Raising Demons…). And, the man writes consistent vintage horror trivia across the Internets.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that Mark McLaughlin is a rare genius and should be embraced. That, and I guess I’m admitting to having a bit of a bromance with the man. But, if you had to embrace a bromantic relationship, who better than Mark?

Besides being the acclaimed writer that he is, Mark also excels at readings. His readings are animated, employ perfect comic timing, and I wish I could conduct a reading at that velocity.

For fans of his on facebook (of which the man has many), he keeps it fresh. There’s the aforementioned trivia, and there’s the occasional appearance by “evil Mark”, an evil djinn version of the Mark McLaughlin we know and love.

I implore you all to pick up a Mark McLaughlin book. Please, please, please, don’t look at it as a waste of money. There’s nobody out there doing what Mark does. It’s a truly unique spin on everything from Lovecraftian beasties to relationships. Plus, for those that don’t go for horror, McLaughlin’s work will keep it lighthearted and fun, as opposed to gratuitous in gore and violence.

If nothing else, friend him on facebook. You won’t regret that. Plus you’ll get a chance to match wits with his massive knowledge of films.

I’ve wanted to interview Mark for a time, and finally got the opportunity to. We chat everything from that Frankenstein poem to evil djinn Mark.

Eric Mays: Thanks for answering some questions, Mark. Let me just get this out of the way from the get-go: Are men from Hell? And if that’s true, do women most definitely come from the Galaxy of Death?


Mark McLaughlin: No doubt you are referring to a 2004 poetry collection of mine entitled “Men are from Hell, Women are from the Galaxy of Death,” and I must say, you are a clever lad. You’ve come to realize that the collection was, in fact, a shocking compilation of actual events – in free-verse form!


Yes, men ARE from Hell and women ARE from the Galaxy of Death. Millennia ago, male pioneers from Hell came up to the Earth’s surface just as an exploratory team of female astronauts from the Galaxy of Death were landing in the starship Aphrodite. They soon figured out the whole Tab-A-goes-into-Slot-B scenario and the rest is history.


Scientists often ask me: Mark, how did men and women reproduce before the two sexes discovered each other? And of course the obvious answer is: Very carefully.

EM: Congrats on making the final ballot for the Bram Stoker Award for your first novel “Monster Behind the Wheel”, co-written with Michael McCarty. I love your work, and am always happy to see it get recognized.


MM: The funny thing is, I’ve had so many books out over the years, people couldn’t believe “Monster Behind the Wheel” was my first novel. But, all the other books were either story or poetry collections. Mike and I are now working on a whole batch of novels, so watch out, world, more on the on the way!

EM: I’ve completely lost count, Mark. How many books do you have out there? Seriously, it feels like you’ve written a veritable library of books. I’m partial to “ZOM BEE MOO VEE & Other Freaky Shows”, but what’s your personal fave?

MM: I’m supposed to keep track?! Does the oak tree count its acorns? Does the night sky count its stars? Did the Marquis de Sade ever count how many peasants he’d whipped? No, no, and maybe!


But seriously, here’s a list of my twenty-two books so far. Many (especially the more recent ones) are still available at www.Horror-Mall.com. I’m not counting a few very small chapbooks that were released over the years. Some of the items below are chapbooks, but they had plenty of stories or poems in them.

1. Feeding the Glamour Hogs, Ministry of Whimsy Press, 1997


2. ZOM BEE MOO VEE & Other Freaky Shows, Fairwood Press, 1999


3. I Gave at the Orifice, Eraserhead Press, 2000


4. Shoggoth Cacciatore and Other Eldritch Entrees, Delirium Books, 2000


5. The Gossamer Eye (with Rain Graves and David Niall Wilson), Meisha Merlin, 2002 (Bram Stoker Award winner)


6. Hell Is Where the Heart Is, Medium Rare Books, 2003


7. Once Upon a Slime, Catalyst Press, 2003


8. Professor LaGungo’s Exotic Artifacts & Assorted Mystic Collectibles, Flesh & Blood Press, 2003 (Bram Stoker Award finalist)


9. Men are from Hell, Women are from the Galaxy of Death, Kelp Queen Press, 2004 (Bram Stoker Award finalist)


10. Motivational Shrieker, Delirium Books, 2004


11. At the Foothills of Frenzy & Other Freakish Forays (with Shane Ryan Staley and Brian Knight), Solitude Publications, 2005


12. Right House on the Left (with Steve Vernon and L.L. Soares), Novello Publishers, 2005


13. Slime After Slime, Delirium Books, 2005


14. All Things Dark & Hideous, Rainfall Books, 2007


15. Pickman’s Motel, Delirium Books, 2007


16. Monster Behind the Wheel (with Michael McCarty), Corrosion Press, 2008 (Bram Stoker Award finalist)


17. Phantasmapedia, Dead Letter Press, 2008 (Bram Stoker Award finalist)


18. Attack of the Two-Headed Poetry Monster, Skullvines Press, 2008 (Bram Stoker Award finalist)


19. Professor LaGungo’s Delirious Download of Digital Deviltry & Doom (with Michael McCarty), Delirium Books/Darkside Digital, 2009


20. Raising Demons for Fun and Profit, Sam’s Dot Publishing, 2009


21. Twisted Tales for Sick Puppies, Skullvines Press, 2009


22. Professor LaGungo’s Classroom of Horrors (with Michael McCarty), Bucket O' Guts Press, 2010 (forthcoming)






Which one is my favorite, you ask…? Like any good parent, I love all my fiction-babies equally!

EM: Horror and Comedy. It seems, on the surface, to be an odd combination. Toss in Poetry and you’ve got a veritable hat trick of the bizarre. Why this combination? What draws you in?

MM: Life is filled with occurrences that can be seen as horrific, comedic or poetically inspiring – or any combination of the three! And these are the events we will remember the most: the ones that make us scream, laugh or experience love or even awe.


We all have Horror, Comedy and Poetry inside of us. We all have a skull – the very symbol of Horror! A skull is a grisly, ghastly thing – but see how it grins at the twin Comedies of life and death. And that strange, lurid, bony container holds the greatest miracle on our planet: the human brain, the very thing that creates and appreciates Poetry.

EM: Sticking with the poetry theme, in “The Gossamer Eye”, you wrote a series of poems from the points of view of the organs that went into Frankenstein’s Monster. What was it about their story that needed to be told? And, why in poetry?


MM: Ah, you are talking about “Speaking Parts: Frankenstein’s Monster Restitched as a Body of Verse.” A lot of people went into the making of the Monster – literally! – and I felt that their stories needed to be told. They had all been ignored by Hollywood, which had only ever presented the story of the Monster after its creation.


Who provided the Monster with his eyes? His fingers? His brain? Who had to die so that the Monster could live? The world didn’t know – and didn’t care. How ignominious! I felt that I had to right that great wrong – and in a creative form that gave all those involuntary donors a bit of dignity.

EM: Looking back in time, there have been numerous classic horror authors (Poe, Lovecraft, Jackson), but rarely have you seen someone who excels at both horror and comedy, as you do. Who are you influenced by, Mark?


MM: My friends have always been a big influence – I’ve had a lot of strange, wonderful friends over the years. And by ‘strange’ I don’t mean ‘bad’: people often don’t realize that ‘strange’ can be good!


You see, ‘strange’ can mean ‘unfamiliar’ … and that which is unfamiliar can be a little frightening. But ‘strange’ can also mean ‘unique’ or ‘singular’ or ‘extraordinary’ … and I think we can all agree, one can learn a lot from unique, singular, and extraordinary individuals, because they offer fresh and challenging viewpoints.


Addressing your question from the standpoint of literature, my favorite authors would be Oscar Wilde, H.P. Lovecraft, M.R. James, Robert Aickman, and William Beckford, who wrote Vathek, a sumptuous old Arabian Nights-style tale. And I might add, I’ve read a lot about the lives of those folks, and they were all strange individuals. Marvelously strange.


I also enjoy tales from Greek mythology and the myths and legends of other countries, too. But see, I also like reading nonfiction about science and the universe – and tabloids! The tabloids are endlessly amusing. Do I really care about the private lives of Paris Hilton or Sandra Bullock or Charlie Sheen or Lady Gaga? Or course not – they don’t pay my bills! But it tickles me that all those rabid reporters and paparazzi feel the need to follow those folks around.


Basically, I like to read all sorts of stuff. I just pop lots of esoteric knowledge into the high-speed blender I call my brain and then hit the PUREE button.

EM: I met you at the very first Horrorfind Convention (at the BWI Marriott in Baltimore, August 2001). You make the convention rounds, and I’d go so far as to say that you’re a classic and fan fave. What is your most memorable fan moment and is there anything that you’d like fans to stop doing (or, on the opposite, something you want your fans to do more of? Like, bring you gyros.)?


MM: God bless you for those compliments! You have me blushing like a debutante in an NFL locker room.


My most memorable fan moment was when I received a great email about my book “ZOM BEE MOO VEE” from a real-life expert on all things zombie – Kyra Schon, who played the little-girl zombie in the original Night of the Living Dead. Kyra and I became friends and in fact, we wrote a story together, “Arlene Schabowski of the Undead,” that appeared in “Midnight Premiere” – an anthology from Cemetery Dance Publications.


As for your other question: Fans don’t give me enough – or in fact, ANY – real estate. What am I, chopped liver? Haaaarumph! Also, fans need to bring me more diamonds as big as baseballs. Heck, I’d settle for just one. Just ONE teeny diamond as big as a baseball. Is that too much to ask?

EM: On a more personal side, you maintain a strong following online. You’ve got many a fan. How do you balance your writing, your day job, and your fan interaction?


MM: Discipline. I maintain and stick to a regular To-Do List. I organize everything I need to do, every day of every week of every year. Do I get everything done on time? Not always! There are only so many hours in the day. But I always give it my very best shot.

EM: Every so often, Mark, your evil Mark djinn takes over on your Facebook page. First, how do you get your own evil djinn, and second, why can’t you keep him bottled up?

MM: The evil djinn spells his name with a silent h: Markh. Oh, he’s the very devil! Markh lovingly lingers over the tabloids that I occasionally read, per an earlier question of yours, so he always wants to know people’s deep, dark secrets.


I got him at a yard sale behind one of the pyramids. It wasn’t one of the Great Pyramids – it was more of a Not-So-Great Pyramid. Markh, who looks like me except has blue smoke for a body, keeps tricking me into opening his bottle. Like, he’ll knock on the inside of his bottle and shout, “Pizza guy!” So, I’ll open the bottle, thinking it’s the pizza delivery guy – and out pops Markh!


Fortunately, I can always recapture him by sucking him up with a Dust Buster.

EM: You’re a fan of classic camp horror movies (no surprise that you like them!). What are some of your favorites that people have never seen?

MM: More people definitely need to watch:






Torture Garden, which features Burgess Meredith as the Devil…


Horror Hospital, with its insidious decapitating limousine…


The Abominable Dr. Phibes and Dr. Phibes Rises Again, starring Vincent Price, who doesn’t open his mouth once during either movie (Dr. Phibes talks through a tube in his neck)…


Demonia, with its wacky Satanic nuns. I guess they got into the HABIT of worshipping the Devil. Har dee har harrrr! …


The Dunwich Horror, in which the virginal Sandra Dee gets boinked by a Lovecraft character…


The Blood Beast Terror, which features a human-sized vampire moth…


Bloody Pit of Horror for its ridiculous killer spider, which is as big as a house-cat …


And The Devil’s Rain, in which John Travolta played Danny, a zombie with wax for blood – his first movie gig. Incredibly, that performance was completely overlooked by the folks who hand out the Oscars. Truly, there is no justice in the world.

EM: I’m just guessing here, but I would imagine that you’ve seen some of the SyFy original pictures. SyFy execs are reading – pitch them the best original idea they’ve ever read!


MM: I think you will agree, they need to turn my story “ZOM BEE MOO VEE” into a movie. Necrilda Voltaire, the exquisitely beautiful zombie who drinks the blood of her victims through a silver straw, would be a real fan favorite ... the fans would eat her up, and vice versa! It would make an excellent starring role for Courtney Love or Lindsay Lohan.


Eric, I see you in the role of Chad, one of the millionaire playboys in that story. I will take on the role of Shambling Zombie No. 47 – I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio would love to play that part, but I’m the author, so he will just have to learn to live with disappointment.

You know, this whole idea may be too GOOD for SyFy: it has “Hollywood Box Office Gold!” written all over it. I may have to pitch it to MGM!

EM: Now I’m blushing like that debutante. Now, the obligatory question…what’s next for you?

MM: Per an earlier answer, this year will see the release of “Professor LaGungo’s Classroom of Horrors” (with Michael McCarty) by Bucket O' Guts Press. Also, I’m working on my first nonfiction book – a comprehensive look at movie monsters and morals called “Vampires and Sex Kittens” – which will be released by Bandersnatch Books.


And, I’m always working on new installments of my two columns about horror movies. One is “Four-Letter Word Beginning with ‘F’” (the operative word being Fear) in the Features Sections of http://www.horrorgarage.com/, and the other is “Time Machine of Terror!” at http://www.gravesidetales.com/ . Plus, I’m always making amusing animations and putting them in my online gallery of weirdness at www.youtube.com/mcmonsterbook.

EM: Sounds like you keep busy! Thanks for talking with me today!


MM: And thanks for asking me! It was a pleasure to talk with you and your readers.

Mark is truly a talent.  When you get a moment, move on over to http://www.horror-mall.com/.  And, if you ever get a chance to see Mark read in person, please do it.  It's worth the the viewing.  I'll still maintain that I've never seen somebody read the way he does.

The festivities continue tomorrow with "The Stinky".  Jason Wuchenich joins us and talks his tales "Stinky Incubus" and "Skank Clusters".  Now, I want to address an email I received.  This week is entitled "The Good, the Funny, and the Stinky of Horror".  It does in no way imply that Jason and Mark are not good, nor are Jason and Michael not funny.  This title was a silly attempt at spinning a pop-culture title to my own wants and desires.  As has been stated numerous times over, I find every writer I interview good.  And, if it's not my cup of tea, I still have much respect as they're writing and published and cranking out the goods.

So, I'm on record right now saying this: Michael, Mark, Jason...you're all pretty.

Join us tomorrow for "The Stinky".  It may have been one of the most fun interviews I've done.  I seriously snorted numerous times.  I'm not sure how it happened, but we got onto a scatological tangent and just couldn't get off of it.  If you're easily offended by poo, you may want to avoid it.  Until then, keep reading.